A Collection of Insults
by Sehkmet
Summary: Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged is on a mission to insult everyone in the universe in alphabetical order. And he insults many people before he is finished.
1. The 10th Doctor

Author's note: The characters in this story belong to Douglas Adams and Doctor who, respectively. I hope this isn't out of character. As you could probably tell, it is set before the "End of Time." Enjoy this wonderfully written story and please leave constructive criticism. Thank you.

The day had been a good day for the Doctor. No one had died, and a planet was saved from the Red Carnivorous Maw.

It was a good day.

Besides the gnawing loneliness that crept up on him day after day, and the sense that he shouldn't be putting off the meeting with Ood Sigma, and the feeling that he was going to die and all the issues that came from that.

The Tenth Doctor stood on a wide open plain, gazing at the stars, and at the dim lights of the city that was miles away. He needed to spend more time looking at the stars, he had decided. Old age must be making him go sentimental in his declining years.

As he stood there, beneath the stars, with only him and his depressing thoughts, he contemplated how long he had lived. He had been alive ... well, he wasn't sure how long it had actually been. He had stopped counting a while ago. Was it when he was a thousand? Twelve thousand? He knew it had been a long while since he stopped counting. A good long while. He only said he was around nine hundred to make himself feel better. Now the weight of his years was pressing down on him, and he was feeling guilt about everything he had done wrong, all the people he never saved. Part of him, a small part, said he couldn't save everyone. For some reason he never listened to that part, instead choosing to think about Adric, Katarina, and all the more recent friends who had died.

And this entire train of thought was depressing.

(As an interesting side note, at that moment, a mattress had flolloped in a glade. And Marvin the maniacally depressed was even more depressed.)

As he stood there, beneath the stars, with only him and his ancient depressing train of thought, the Doctor became aware of eerie lights. The lights of a spaceship, long, silver, and elegant. It landed in front of him. The ramp of the ship had extended. And a very alien person came down it.

It looked at him solemnly and said in a clear voice," You are a manipulative psychopath."

The Doctor blinked and his face made the vague effort to say what.

What he said was "Who?"

"And," said the alien, "a liar and thief." With that the alien turned and went back up the ramp, into its ship, and flew off.

And the Doctor was left standing there, mouth open and wondering what just happened.

The incident did not help his self-esteem.

* * *

Wowbagger stretched out, and decided to sleep. After all, he earned it. It had taken him at least five centuries to get to the letter "D."

He deserved a rest. The computer plotted its course, planning who Wowbagger was to insult next.

* * *

Currently, the sounds of a thousand people saying "whop" filled the area around the Universe's longest floating party. And the robots of Krikket stole "The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word 'Belgium' in a Serious Screenplay" award.

Author's note: I hope you liked it! Please comment.


	2. The Cybermen

Author's Notes: Well, here(finally) is another part to A Collection of Insults, a tale of Wowbagger and his exploits. Feel free to comment and review, and read my brilliant story. And I must say, it is quite brilliant. (Conceited? Not me! It's just that I am what I am.)

The Cybermen are terrifying beings. Humans whose brains are transferred to metal suits, with all emotions removed are not the nicest of all aliens. In fact, the only person(or other) to have messed with them regularly and live was the mythical Doctor. He frequently, often, and regularly stopped the Cybermen and the most devious and malicious of their evil plots with almost childish glee. it was most odd. But no one else ever stopped or insulted the Cybermen.

Until one fateful day that may or may not be in December, March, or even July in any small backwater planet in the unfashionable end of the Western spiral arm of the Galaxy.

The Cybermen stood in front of the door, guarding it. If they had emotions, they would have been bored. The kind of bone deep bored that happens when you are looking at the clock and it still says you have four hours left at school or work. But they were Cybermen. The scourge of the universe, villains of most evil intent.

They do not feel bored. It is beneath them.

And then they were surprised. Or, they would have been. For a vaguely saucer-shaped alien space ship dropped out of the sky. It landed, slowly and gracefully. The ramp extended to the ground. A tall, very alien, figure appeared.

And it coughed, checked a notepad, and said," You are a dunce. All of you. Completely stupid. You are also very dull." It coughed again, as if slightly embarrassed by its next sentence. "You are Cybermen, right?"

The Cybermen, who somehow managed to convey slight confusion despite a lack of emotions, answered in a cold, mechanical voice. "That is correct. We are Cybermen. We will conquer the universe."

The alien sighed. "You're delusional, that's what you are."

And he turned and left. The Cybermen stood there as he entered the spaceship, and it shot up into the sky.

In a very un-Cybermen like way, one said (In a cold mechanical voice), "That was odd."

Author's Notes: Soooo, what did you think? Feel free to review and say anything you want(within reason. I do not want to hear about what you heard from a friend of a friend of a friend. Call me weird.) And don't forget: As you should never trust a plastic hippo, always look under the origami frog. Just a word of advice.


	3. Lady Christina de Souza

Author's Notes: Well, here is my story update. And I must say, this is inspired. Seriously. A work of art. I would continue complimenting my astoundingly amazing writing, but I don't want to seem conceited. I am trying to rework my persona, into a nicer, more caring person. Excuse me while I go scream at my sister for no reason at all. I shall do my best to stay away from the axe, but it is so hard.

It was a beautiful night. The moon shone on the still museum and the not so still city around it. The skyscrapers were ablaze with the lights. It was a silent night (despite the cars zooming by on the freeway).

For a while, anyway.

Suddenly the museums alarms went off, sirens blaring. A figure that stood just inside the small room off of the large foyer that is usually filled with tourists, and helpful pamphlets talking about various art exhibits. She glanced at her watch and grinned.

"Five minutes," she said to herself, pulling a bag off her shoulder and pulling a glass cutter out of her pocket. Working quickly she removed the glass covering, setting it on the floor. She reached inside and removed the object, slipping it into a special container. Smiling, she took out a marker and scrawled a message on the glass. Then she stealthily left.

She glanced at the front doors. The police had come already; in fact they had just pulled up. She paused, and headed to the stairs, to the roof.

On the roof in question, there was a bus. A battered, red, double-decker bus with the bus number, 200, painted in a battered white-ish color.

The woman moved towards the bus, but stopped.

And with good reason.

For at precisely that moment, a spaceship landed on the roof. She raised a hand to cover her eyes as a ramp lowered and light streamed from within the ship. An alien stepped forth.

"Lady Christina de Souza?" the alien asked. She nodded, open mouthed. "You are a cold, heartless thief who can't do anything for someone else. Goodbye." He turned and walked to the spaceship.

Meanwhile, two cops burst onto the roof, guns drawn. They spotted the alien and froze.

"What the hell?" one of them started to say as they watched the alien walk to its ship.

Lady de Souza took advantage of the distraction to dash to the 200 and throw herself into the driver's seat. She started the bus as the spaceship flew away, disappearing into the night. One of the cops turned his attention to the bus. She winked at him, and drove the bus off the roof.

Only it didn't fall. Instead it flew into the sky. She drove it past the two cops, winked at them again, and drove off into the night.

The two cops stared at were the bus was, strange expressions on their faces.

"Well, damn. Did that just happen?" one of them said, still staring at the empty space.

"I think so. What on earth are we going to say?"

Author's Note: Review, please! I am trying to get as many reviews as I can. I am fairly certain that if I wrote a story that was bad, I'd have many more reviews. Also I think I may write a few one-shots about those police officers. Something about them seeing a lot of weird things. It would be funny. And now for a word of wisdom: Always bring a towel. They are amazingly useful.


End file.
